Love is one of the most profound and complex human experiences. It has been studied across disciplines, science seeks to explain it through biology and chemistry, philosophy questions its meaning and purpose, and psychology explores its emotional and behavioral impact. Yet, love remains an enigma, unique to every individual yet universal in its presence.
The Science of Love
Science explains love as a neurochemical process, driven by evolutionary mechanisms to promote bonding, reproduction, and survival. Romantic love triggers the release of dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin, chemicals associated with pleasure, attachment, and long-term connection.
“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.” — Louis de Bernières
Neuroscientist Helen Fisher describes three primary phases of love:
Lust – Driven by sex hormones testosterone and estrogen.
Attraction – Marked by an increase in dopamine and norepinephrine, creating obsession, energy, and focus on the beloved.
Attachment – Governed by oxytocin and vasopressin, fostering deep emotional bonds and long-term commitment.
Interestingly, brain scans show that falling in love activates the same regions as addiction, reinforcing the idea that love can be intoxicating and even obsessive. Studies by Fisher et al. (2005) revealed that individuals experiencing early-stage romantic love exhibit brain activity similar to those with substance addiction.
“We are all made of star-stuff, and love is the force that binds our atoms together in ways that defy physics but define our existence.” — (Paraphrased from Carl Sagan)
The Philosophy of Love
Philosophers have long debated the nature of love—whether it is an ideal, an illusion, or a fundamental truth of existence.
“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” — Aristotle
Ancient Greek philosophy categorized love into different types:
Eros – Passionate, romantic love.
Philia – Deep friendship and companionship.
Agape – Selfless, unconditional love.
Ludus – Playful, flirtatious love.
Pragma – Practical, long-term love.
Philautia – Self-love, either healthy or narcissistic.
Existentialist thinkers like Jean-Paul Sartre argue that love is a paradox, while we seek deep connection, we also fear the loss of independence. Simone de Beauvoir believed that true love requires both freedom and mutual respect, not possession.
“To love is not to look at one another, but to look together in the same direction.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
The Psychology of Love
1. Love as Addiction
If love mimics addiction in the brain, why can’t we simply replace one love with another? The answer lies in emotional bonding. The dopamine reward system is wired to seek specific pleasure sources, making detachment from a loved one as difficult as quitting an addictive substance.
2. Love, Attachment Styles, and Insecurities
According to Attachment Theory (Bowlby & Ainsworth), love is shaped by early relationships. People develop one of four attachment styles:
Secure – Comfortable with intimacy and independence.
Anxious – Craves closeness but fears abandonment.
Avoidant – Values independence, struggles with deep emotional bonds.
Disorganized – Unpredictable, often due to past trauma.
This suggests that we fall in love not just with people but with those who fit our attachment needs. If healing occurs, does love for that person disappear? Perhaps, unless the relationship evolves to match the new self.
Love can also act as a mirror, reflecting our insecurities. We may seek validation, healing, or even a sense of identity through a partner. Psychologists argue that unresolved insecurities can lead to codependency, where love becomes a means of self-worth rather than a mutual bond.
3. Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonds occur when individuals form deep emotional attachments through repeated cycles of emotional highs and lows. This explains why people stay in unhealthy relationships because their nervous system is conditioned to equate intensity with love.
If trauma bonds are healed, does love disappear? It depends. Healing allows us to distinguish between genuine love and attachment formed through pain. However, if love is real, it should withstand personal growth.
My Takeout: What Is Love to Me?
When I was younger, love felt like a tornado, a powerful mystery of conflicting emotions, like a volcanic eruption that made no sense. Why them and not someone else? Why the butterflies, the nervous excitement? Then, one day, it all stopped. The storm faded. No butterflies, no chaos, just silence. Is that peace? Maturity? Healing? Am I dead inside? Or am I incapable of falling in love again?
Here the question was born (what is love?)
Another answer was on my mind; love if home, is peace of mind, being comfortable in your skin, this is what you should feel around the person you love -yourself-. But isn’t that what I feel when I’m home by myself or with my cats? Why then I keep looking for my person?
Maybe I will find the answer when my brain stops asking this question (what is love?). But does it have to be one answer? Maybe love comes in different shapes, temperatures, scents, colours, it’s unique with each person who walks into our lives.
Being in love with someone is an act of selfishness. Every time we fall in love with someone, we fall in love with a version of ourselves. Your interaction and reaction to the presence of this person and their energy to yours bring out a version of yourself.
If you love this version of yourself, you love them.
Does love stay the same?
No, it either evolves and transforms into a more powerful bond and connection, more secure with time, or the opposite until it fades.
“A successful relationship requires falling in love multiple times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
True love isn’t static. It’s an ever-changing dance between two evolving individuals. When infatuation ends, real love begins.
“Real love begins where infatuation ends.” — Carl Jung
Jung suggests that infatuation is driven by projections, we fall for what we imagine the person to be. As reality sets in, we either grow into deep connections or fall apart. Real love is accepting the flaws, changes, and evolution of both yourself and your partner.
So, what is love? Love is an experience, a transformation, a mirror, an addiction, and a choice, all at once. And maybe, just maybe, it’s not meant to have just one answer.
Finding Your Own Meaning of Love
Love is an experience that is deeply personal yet universally felt. As you explore its meaning, consider these questions:
- How has your definition of love evolved over time?
- Do you believe love is more of a feeling, an action, or a choice? Why?
- What version of yourself do you become when you're in love? Do you like that version?
- Do you seek love for comfort, excitement, validation, or something else?
- How do your past relationships shape the way you love today?
- Does love feel like security to you, or does it feel like passion? Can it be both?
- Can love exist without attachment? Why or why not?
- What scares you most about love?
- Is love something you search for, or something you create?
- What does love mean to you right now, in this moment?
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