Why Women Ghost You on Dating Apps

Insights from a Woman Dating Women

My data so far :)

Let’s talk ghosting; not the spooky, Halloween kind, but the all-too-familiar vanishing act that happens on dating apps. This is coming straight from my experience as a woman who exclusively dates women, a perspective that often gets overshadowed by discussions of women ghosting men. So, here’s the tea, served with honesty, wit, and maybe a little spice.

A Little Backstory

I’m relatively new to the world of online dating apps. After almost a decade in a committed relationship, I took some much-needed time for myself post-breakup before deciding to dip my toes into the WLW dating pool. Spoiler alert: it’s a smaller pool, and some of the swimmers are…interesting.

I’m not here to name apps because, no, this isn’t a sponsored post. But let’s just say us WLW folks have limited options, and not all of them are great. I’ve been chatting, swiping, and occasionally meeting women for a few months now. And yes, I’ve even made a database and charts because I’m that kind of woman. (You don’t get to be over 40, fabulous, and well-organized without a little Excel magic.)

Here’s what I’ve observed so far:

The Great Filter: Breaking Down the Pool

Let’s start with the basics. Out of all the profiles I’ve swiped through:

1. Fake Profiles: About 70% of the profiles are as real as a $3 bill. Blocked. Goodbye.
2. The Remaining 30%: This is where it gets…complicated:

• 30% are looking for a third: Either they’re coupled or poly. Hard pass for me.
• 30% are bisexual: I respect that, but my past experiences have taught me it’s not my preference.
• 50% are “figuring things out”: Their type, relationship goals, favorite food — basically, their entire life. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
• 10% want kids or already have them: Lovely, but not for me.
• 5% live in Narnia (or at least feel that far away).
• 5% left: And honestly, I’m being optimistic here. But even within this 5%, they’re likely chatting with multiple people.

The “Lucky” 5%: What Happens Next

Now, let’s say I connect with someone from that elusive 5%:

1. They don’t match back: Fair enough, moving on.
2. They match but don’t message: So, I initiate, I don’t mind that at all.
3. They reply…eventually: Days or weeks later, we exchange pleasantries, and then they disappear again. Why?

• They’re not free or single as claimed.
• They’re not ready.
• Or they’re just not that into me.

1. We actually talk, there’s a vibe, and I suggest meeting up: Here’s where the magic (or chaos) happens.

The Curse of Being a “9/10”

I’m not one to brag, but I know my worth. I’m attractive, successful, career, home, self-awareness, stable life, etc. and have my sh** together. I’m what you might call a solid 9/10. You’d think that’d be a good thing, right? Wrong. It’s apparently a big problem.

Women have told me I’m “intimidating,” “out of their league,” or “too good to be true.” Some are convinced there’s a “catch”, “I find you complex”. Others outright admit they’ll self-sabotage because they assume I’ll never like them back. It’s exhausting.

The Ghosting Chronicles

Here’s where ghosting comes into play. I believe in meeting in person to avoid false intimacy via texting (call me old school). It’s not a date -I insist- until we mutually decide that’s the path we’re taking, but it’s a way to see if there’s real potential. And when I suggest meeting up? That’s when some women vanish into thin air.

Why do they ghost?

1. App addiction: The dopamine hits from notifications are their real relationship.
2. Fear of reality: Meeting in person makes it real, and they’re not ready for that.
3. Insecurities: They think I’m “too much” for them.
4. Deceptive motives: They might already be in a relationship or a “situationship.”

Ghosting, to me, is a sign of emotional unavailability. It screams, “I can’t handle conflict, I’m unreliable, and I prefer hiding over standing by my values.” In other words, it’s a blessing in disguise. I’d rather weed them out early than waste my time and energy. I’m no one’s entertainment or experiment.

After the Meeting: More Ghosts Appear

Even when we meet, some women ghost after one or two (meetings). Why? Panic. They realize it’s happening, they’re emotionally overwhelmed, and poof; they’re gone.

Love Bombers vs. Ghosters

So far, my experience falls into two camps: the ghosters and the love bombers. It’s a rollercoaster, but I’m still hopeful. Somewhere out there, there’s someone who won’t ghost or overwhelm but will meet me in the middle. Until then, I’ll keep swiping, chatting, and holding onto that hope.

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