A love letter to the version of myself who learned the hard way

 Dating is not about finding the person you're looking for.

And, you don't need to have a perfect life and everything in the universe aligned to start dating because it's part of your healing journey, it's part of discovering and learning about yourself, what you want and what you don't want, and it's okay to make mistakes.

Throughout my journey, I’ve loved. I’ve learned. I’ve lost. And somewhere between heartbreak and healing, I started connecting better to myself and knowing my truth.

In Paolo Koehlo's The Alchemist, the main character goes on a quest to find the world’s treasure. During his interesting, full-of-adventure journey, he finds different kinds of wealth. When he goes back to Spain, right at the place where he got that idea, he finds that treasure right beneath his feet. It was there from the beginning, but he needed to go through all that to be able to see it.

I wrote down something but it isn’t a checklist, it is a love letter to the version of me that kept learning the hard way. To future me to be grateful and proud. It's totally about me and my solo experience so please don't take it personal...we are different me and you.

1. Trust your guts, your intuition knows when something is off.

2. Once a cheater is always a cheater. Once a liar, is always a liar, especially if somebody cheated to be with you, they will cheat on you to be with someone else.

3. If they don't love themselves, they will never love you.

4. Don't overgive. The more you do for them, the more they love themselves.

5. Ego-driven people don’t love, they collect. They only want your supply, validation and attention.

6. If your health is declining, you have trouble sleeping, nightmares or recurring dreams, your body is waving red flags.

7. An ex is an ex for a reason.

8. Don't allow someone who is confused about what they want, to confuse you about your worth.

9. Helping someone who helps themselves is energizing. Helping someone who refuses to grow is draining.

10. Don't expect perfection, expect consistent healthy efforts.

11. People don't change, don't stay with anyone for their potential.

12. If they are the jumping monkey type, emotionally swinging from one branch to another, run.

13. Words and actions should align together, don't judge, just set and observe, time will tell you everything.

14. People say and show you who they are, so don't give them excuses.

15. If they started with "I'm not currently the best version of myself" run.

16. Don't try to impress or make them like you, this is not your job. That's not your narrative to write, just be your authentic self, because by that you're in fact empowering them to make that decision for themselves.

17. If they don't know how to initiate a conversation or keep it going either they are superficial, insecure about speaking their mind and expressing their feelings. Or, not interested.

18. If they only wants the green pen that you don't have, no matter how many colors you're offering and giving to them, they keep coming back for this green pen, you'll never be enough for them.

19. Rushing or forcing a connection is love Bombing, they just want to be chosen, not because they love you, or they want you. They have trouble loving themselves.

20. Don't change yourself. Don't minimize yourself, if they find you intimidating or complex, run. That's a big sign of insecurity.

21. Prioritize yourself. You can be adaptable without rewriting your whole life for someone.

22. If they don't respect their own feelings, body, and time they won't respect yours.

23. If you don't feel attracted to them by the second date. That's not your person.

24. Physical intimacy and affection is not only sex. If that all they offer and want, they have a problem.

25. Even if you're committed to eachother, that doesn't mean they have full access to your body, time, emotions and energy. You're not a possession, you're a human.

26. If they are unkind to animals, they fake empathy.

27. Emotional intelligence and self-awareness is not repeating social media therapy terms.

28. If their energy and attitude shifted between the first and second date, run, it’s calculation. They’re testing you to see which mask best suits your expectations.

29. If they give you short and clipped answers, they’re either emotionally unavailable or breadcrumbing run.

30. If you can't be yourself around them, that's not your person.

31. If you ask ChatGPT to help you understand what they mean, that's not your person. You're not stupid. They just don't know what they want or they don't want to be clear with you.

32. If they are into some kind of entertainment to help them wear pink color glasses to escape thier reality instead of fixing it. That's not your person.

33. Bare minimum is not efforts. If they bring the meal but won’t lift the spoon, you're starving next to a full plate.

34. If you have to explain yourself most of the time and defend yourself, that's not your person.

35. The more you say no to what misalignes with what you want and your truth, the closer you will get to the right person you deserve. Still, don’t shy away from exploring different connections, each person is either a brief stop or a lasting station on your journey.

36. If they victimize themselves in all of the stories, run.

37. We all have history, We all have a past. If they claim they don’t or avoid talking about it, they are not reflective, or lying, or ashamed, or dangerously disconnected.

38. Doing therapy doesn't mean that the person is working on themselves or actually healing.

39. Keep in mind, you're dating thier subconscious mask for -minimum- the first four months, the person you'll get by the end, is the real them.

40. Their silence is your answer.

41. Don’t expect someone to suddenly become what you’ve been looking for if they never showed up that way from the start. If they weren’t partner material in the beginning, they won’t magically transform into it later.

42. The way they show up to themselves in life is how they will show up for you.

43. Conflict is necessary. The way they fight and argue, will show you who they are.

44. Most people don't actually like you, they like how you make them feel, the minute you cut the supply for any reason will prove you that.

45. You're a choice not an option or a convenience.

46. Prioritizing the connection is actually prioritizing themselves and their needs. Is not about you and don't expect that in the early stages, so don't let them gaslight you into thinking they are doing you a favor.

47. Don’t treat every social media video like a dating manual. You know your needs better than strangers on the internet, real connection isn’t black and white; it’s personal and yours to define.

48. If they did you wrong or disrespected you and you choose to walk away, don’t hold back for the sake of their feelings. Speak your truth, call them out and let them know their place.

Share: